Fat ladies and chickens

Dear MAGA Nation:  What are you doing reading this blog?  Aren’t you afraid of catching something — like rationality, civic responsibility, or gay cooties?  What will the fellas back at Klan Canasta Night say?  I can almost hear it now:  "Paul drives a Prius and installed low-flow shower heads and solar panels on his cookie-cutter tract home in the suburbs because he cares about polar bears stranded on melting ice floes more than he loves Jesus and traded in his 12-gauge for a Ring video doorbell and a self-install SimpliSafe home security system with as much chance of defending his pure white Christian daughter from roaming gangs of Antifa radicals who hate our flag as the New York Jets have of coming back from their 0 and 9 record to clinch a spot in next year’s socially-distanced Super Bowl with on-field temperature checks between downs.”

But you’re here.  So, let me take this opportunity to go over a few things.

First, President Donald J. Trump lost the 2020 Presidential Election to former Vice President Joseph R. Biden by 306 to 232 electoral college votes, which is, were I to believe in karma, the exact number of electoral college votes Trump won to beat Hillary Clinton in 2016.  You might recall he called 2016 a landslide.  Well, MAGA-ETTES, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck the guys from Duck Dynasty will shoot it.  Those numbers work out to roughly 51% of the latte-sipping, kale-blanching, sushi-loving citizens of this country voting for Joe Biden despite Tara Reade and the Magic Laptop of Azkaban to 47.3% of the country still worried that Barack Obama was born on Mars and Hillary Clinton got Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in her e-mail.

I'm sorry.  It was sort of close — not really, but okay, if that helps you sleep at night.  It’s gonna be okay.  I’ve been there, screaming into my pillow in 2016 like a butt-hurt snowflake.  I know it’s hard to see past the Maytag in your front yard right now.  Oh, that was un-called for — I promised myself I wouldn’t impugn your intelligence and resort to stereotypes in this post.  I apologize.  I know it’s a Kenmore.

Rudy Giuliani sweat

And I’m not even going to mention Rudy’s hair-dye dripping down the side of his face or the press conference in the parking lot of that landscaping company — Four Seasons Total Landscaping, a suburban business situated between a crematorium and an adult book store on the outskirts of Philadelphia — because we’re all Americans and that would be beyond the pale to make fun of how someone looks or start calling people names.  For all I know it was a brilliant bit of PR to lay the groundwork for Trump’s slogan in 2024:  make America rake again.

Yes, there are a few court cases remaining.  They will fail because courts like evidence.  And the lawsuits which haven’t been laughed out of court yet aren’t even trying to claim widespread fraud — they’re just nibbling around the edges.   Like that two county recount in Wisconsin.  If all of the remaining lawsuits were decided in Trump’s favor today, and those two Wisconsin counties flipped from the blue column to the red one, it still wouldn’t overturn the election.

Biden won.  The only living Republican former President, George W. Bush, said so.  The Republican nominee for President in 2012, Mitt Romney, said so.  Hell, even Fox News said so.  Even Moscow Mitch said so, indirectly, by saying, "we will swear in the next administration on January 20th,” although he’s giving Trump the participation trophy by insisting he deserves his day in court.  Hackers are not breaking into voting systems and switching votes.  Oh, and Rudy?… Um, yah, Dominion — not a Venezuelan company.  It’s a sad day in America when a bald, disabled rump ranger in Palm Springs with a laptop has more access to facts than a lawyer who once served as the mayor of New York City; although Rudy and I do have something in common — we’ve both dressed in drag exactly one times.

Trump-Guiliani

Rudy Giuliani (L) and Donald Trump (R) — no, it’s not photoshopped!
You can’t make this shit up

The election was not “rigged.”  How do you rig nearly 6 million votes across multiple states, many run by Republicans, right under the noses of state officials, county officials, volunteer poll workers, party lawyers, and partisan observers?   Without leaving a trace?  You don’t.  Even Danny Ocean couldn’t pull that off.  Besides, remember the one with Sandra Bullock?  Danny Ocean is dead.

To recap:  Donald Trump lost.  Joe Biden won.  Period.  Paragraph.

Moving on.

Second, and this really should be first.  Yesterday, 187,000 people became infected with COVID-19, bringing the total number of active infections in the United States to 11.8 MILLION.  Also yesterday, 1,962 people in the United States died.  252,000 Americans are dead.  The man you want to have a crack at four more years leading the country, Donald Trump, hasn't attended a coronavirus task force meeting in five months and is taking no role in combatting the out-of-control surge in the disease which is killing mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, Republicans and Democrats, Dodgers fans and Rays fans.

My state of California is under a mandatory curfew from 10pm every night until 5am in the morning.  I hear you saying, “yah, you’re a bunch of chardonnay-drinking tofu-eating liberals out there.”  It’s true.  But down in Texas, and Arizona, grab a beer and some barbecue while those states bring in refrigerated trucks to store hundreds of dead bodies — dead from coronavirus.

What can you do?  Well, let’s start by doing the simplest thing.  You don’t even have to believe Donald Trump lost the election.  Please, please, please…

JUST WEAR A GODDAMNED MASK.

I know mask wearing is, for some inexplicable reason, a political statement.  And so I’ve prepared this simple tutorial to assist in explaining the benefits of mask wearing, both to you and to those around you:

The fat lady has sung.  The chickens are hatched and counted.  Rudy Giuliani dyes his hair and makes a ridiculous drag queen.  Donald Trump lost the 2020 election.  Joe Biden won the 2020 election and will be sworn-in as the 46th President of the United States on January 20, 2021.  Wearing a mask could save your life.  Wearing a mask could save your friends and loved ones’ lives.  And Danny Ocean is dead.

Any questions?  Class dismissed.

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